


Shocking Shadares

by o_shit_waddup



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Chaos, F/M, Like, M/M, Orphanage, Self-Harm, an actual joke, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2018-08-09 06:12:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7789756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o_shit_waddup/pseuds/o_shit_waddup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>helo my name is jazmein rose gapia diamond rosa and this is my beautiful but sad and angsty stor about how i died :(</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. pasty white boy and future husband wake me up

**Author's Note:**

> alternate title: my descent into severe depression

Hehlo. My name is Jazmien Rose Gapia Diamond Rosa and ijm totes 14. i am a tutel gorth bcause i wear bluck all te tme. rn i was wering a blaeck corset with red laces, bleck combet butts and red leggiungs that showed owf my calves. my hair is long, and blekc becauz ium totes a gorth rmember

My fther is unknown, bcuz my original prnatns died in a building fyre and i was orphaned. i haud to ran away cuz peopls wre tryin to kidnaop me. so i had to fite for whet i beleveded in. eventally i gut to cmp helfblud by some bleck heird kid who drugged m e to da cemotherapy. 

when i wakud up i waz bieng feeded this pooding stuff to me. I slapped the puding ou tof the boys hand. he locked suprised bcuz of what i jsut did. Te tag on his shirt said “Hai my name is totes: WILL” will picked up the pudoing frum the grund, grunbling

“You didn’t need to do that.” He mumbled to his self with frear cuz i was totes hot and scery ahh

“Well I’m SORRY, ,” i scremed at him, anger bcuz he was beng a total betoch to me! “I don’t like this nasty ass pudding you're feeding to me!!!”

“There’s no need to be so rude,bird shit skjhook his head. “Hi, my name is Will, as you probably know by my name tag-”

“i don't care about your stupid name,” i skofced, flipinh my hair in his dumbyface. “Where the hael am i?#!?!”

“Camp Half Blood.” 

I was totes excoted cuz the name of the kamp was named after bloud and i totally love blood vuz bloodi s cool and tred and i LOOOVE to dronk it too cuz im totes gorth rmembre??!!! But nim not a vmaprrie tho ucz vamps sparkle and gotrths dont sparkle cuz im a goth rmemwember?!??!!?1/!?!?1/

“Are you feeling alright now?” the proppy mayonaise boy aked. 

“Ya”

“Okay.” saltine cracker sighed. “My boyfr- I mean friend, Nico, will escort you to the Big House now.”

“Kay”

my eyes traveleled over to tha hoTTEST GOFITK BOI EVER OMG

“...Will, are you sure this girl is okay?” mr hottY mumterred under his motuh with his veautiful pierce the viel tattoo on the right side odf his neck and a amaizng star swptum peircing. “She seems… ill.”

“I honestly have no idea if she's okay or not,” the blank sheet of printer paper looked at my future hisband. “She seems rather hostile, so be gentle with her.”

i disnt care for white fcukboi and got up, prepating my assuple for the 666 babies i was gona have with nicko. Gofh hottie sighed, shaqing his ebaitufl majetic godd hair to impress me! Pmg

“Let’s go,” nicko locked at his btofiul olive toned wriszd. “Jazmien.”

I newarly has 34 organisms bcuz thge way he said my name was so kawaidesu that i just had to moan wtih pledaure.

Beach negroechocked pn his own nasty ass spit. My fince pated his back, his lipz controting into a magcal frown. They exchanged some sort of convosation that i dont cae about.

“Anyway i want to leave this pharamascist officwe now k thx bye” i sayd, combing my long ass lenmgth hair bac for the world to see.

Hubby and cracker jack loked at eahc otter and sighed.

“Mary Sue Disorder?” my beautiful olive mumbled

“It’s too early to tell, but she’s showing the early signs of it.” crick gyspsy said, shacking his rat nest of a hair.

I lefy tha builfing.


	2. Nico and Will have a nice conversation.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico and Will chat about this new... camper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate summary: gayfest 2k16

Nico sighed, looking at his nearly shellshocked boyfriend.

 

Every year, there was always that  _ one _ random camper that showed up with Mary Sue Disorder. It was rather shameful to explain to the Gods how the new Aphrodite camper died by jumping off of a cliff because they thought it was a great way to ‘show off my mad skillz to tartarsauce xdxdxdxdxd’.

 

Honestly, Nico felt bad for the less arrogant ones that had the slightest sliver of sense, but Jazmin? Well, she was...

 

“Do you think she’ll be apart of the next great prophecy,” Will mumbled, taking a seat on the hospital bunk. “Or do you think she’ll resurrect Luke and join Chaos?”

 

“She's probably gonna piss off Zeus or something and get banished to Tartarus,” Nico tapped his chin. “then she’ll find a way to get out. The moment she gets back to camp, she gets claimed by, like, 4 gods at once.”

 

“It’ll probably be Aphrodite, Athena, Hebe and Kronos.”

 

“All of the stereotypical ‘amazing’ ones.” Nico took a seat next to the blond. He sighed, resting his head on his shoulder, thinking about how the girl would outright harass him until she found some other camper with the disorder.

 

“Do I have to take her on this tour? I mean, she can find her way around camp… right?” 

 

Will immediately shook his head, eyes wide with fear and regret. “Oh gods, no, that’s a horrible idea! Remember what happened last time?”

 

Fire, death, and destruction is what happened last time. Ellesandrea Maria Tiana Rose Seria was the girl’s name. It was 3 years ago, and Lou Ellen was SUPPOSED to escort the girl around camp, giving her a tour and eventually bringing her to the Big House.

 

Lou Ellen forgot. So, the girl, Ellesandrea, sought out her new love interest. She chose Nico (surprise surprise), who, obviously, didn’t accept her affections. She was claimed by Hephaestus within the hour, and it was revealed she had fire powers and the power to charm others.

 

Long story short, the camp was in flames in 5 minutes.

 

“Jeez, you’re right,” Nico mumbled. “Wouldn’t want another shitty situation like that.”

 

Will shrugged. Sighing, the boy stood, stretching and yawning. He rubbed his eyes, picking up the cup of coffee on the side table.

 

Nico already knew his boyfriend didn’t get enough sleep last night. Will has been tending to a new camper that's been in a coma for the past 4 days, so he’s been holed up in the infirmary since.

 

“Get some sleep tonight, okay?” Nico stood, side hugging the blond. “I’m gonna go deal with the new… camper.”

 

Closing his eyes, Will nodded. “Good luck.”

 

“I’ll need it.” 

  
They kissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: in which o_shit_waddup contemplates cliff diving


	3. this my little pony ass fuck tries to flirt with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jazmien meets Chiron.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: in which o_shit_waddup realizes the caps lock key is there

omg where is husband?? I thot to mysefl as i stood in my beotfiul fishnet legins and long fclowing ass length black hair with a fringe on the right side of my face and a beoty mark underneth my rleaft eyes ans skull ering in my ears and black makeup and eyeshadow and foundation to make my paler cuz om GORTH REMMEBERBE???/?!1!1/1/?!

Sum horwse lookin ass fuck came up ta me and winnied cuz he horse.

“wOT are u doing child??” he scremed @ me cuz hes a totes fuckboy like that.

“Um bitch? Im waiting for mah husband soOo? I mean? Gtfo away from me???? Kthxbye??”

“Oh okay thats cool hopefully that emo ass FUCK doesnt fuck up EVERYTHING LIKE HE DOES ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME JESUS FUCK”

“ok”

I truned aroun and THERE WAS MAH FUCKIN HUSBAND HOLY SWEET JESUS

Holy shit im using the caps lock ke y too much i thot tomyself cuz i mean its true

“Hey, uh, Jazmien, right?” nicko approached me with swa g n vigor. “I’m going to take you on a tour of this camp, okay?”

“FUCK ME ON THe SPOT EMO GERARD WHEY HOTTIE”

“...Anyway, we’re gonna go to the strawberry- actually fuck that I’ll take you to the Big House instead.” Nico mubled cuz hes a hot boy i love him so much omg my emo husband

I folowed hi m to the large huse.

I walked inside da buildin cuz im not a poser emo fag like that horse man “y ar we here”

Niko sigh. “There’s a mandatory presentation that you gotta watch, hon.”

I nearly has 30 orgasms at the nickname ‘hon’ so i monead.

“wT THE FUCK IS GOING OUT OUTSIDE MY DOORHOUSE U LITTLE HORNY ASS FUCKERS- Oh, hello Nico, who is this?”

“Meet Jazmien,” nhubby mumbed. “She’s a camper that showed up yesterday, but she woke up an hour ago-”

“NICKO IS MY HUSBAND” i scremed at the horsey man

“...Anyway,” horwse mumbled. “Jasmine-”

“bITCH MY NAME ISNT JASMINE IT IS JAZMIEN I AM TRIGGERED I AM OFFENDED BECAUSE MY NAME IS NOT JASMINME IT IS SPELLED J A Z M I E N NOT THAT JASMIENE WHITE GIRL ASS SHIT OH MY GOD I FEEL PERSONALLY OFFENDED BY THAT NAME FUCK YOU HORSE MAN I HATE YOU I WANT TO KILL YOU BUT IM NOT GONNA KILL YOU CUZ UR AN ADULT AND I ACTUALLY HAVE RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY SO YEAH OKAY IM SORRY SIR HELLO.”

Niko had a storke and fell onto the floor, presumablably rying cuz im so beotufuyl. 

horse laghed at me. I am shocked cuz why is he makin me feel bad? Why? Why? I am insecure and sad and depress why????

I took out my magic rainbow sword and stab him in the hert.

Hors e man look at me cnfused and im wondering WHY IS HE CONFUSE HE IS DEAD

“Ms. Jazmien, are you… uh, okay?” hworse chuckle. “Nico, is this girl alright?”

I continue to stab and slive at him cuz WHY AINT HE DED???

nicko revives himself from him stroke. “Chiron, Jazmien is showing a lot of the signs of Mary Sue Disorder.”

“Oh shit…” horse chiron sighed. “Well, I guess it can’t be helped.”

Hu8sby sits up. “Chiron, don’t let yourself succumb to their vibes. Do you want to be affected by this again and watch her take over, idk, Olympus or something? Resurrect Luke? Join Chaos?”

“ooOOO who is luke he sounds oth and emo like u hubby :)”

“Jesus Christ,” Chiris horsed over to some media player lookin thing. “Okay, you’re right. Time to watch this wonderful video about how wonderful camp life is!”

I sat on the floor cuz chairs are for posers. Nicko sat on thechair which made me sad and depress so i slit my wristz.

nico noticed the blod on my arm and he sighed cuz OMG DOES HE GET MY PAIN TOO???? :0) 

“Chiron, Jazmien is hurt,” hubby loves me omg <3 “and I’m assuming you have medical supplies in here?”

“It’s in the cabinet above the tiger head thing.” charn with his bitchass ramen noodle head ass lookin self muttered.

niki went over and grabed the medicine supplies and came abck over and dressed my fresh self harm cut and made me feel nice so i garbed him by the jacket and kissed him on the spot.

“ASDFGHJKL” nicko sremaed as i violated his mouth hole. 

I let him go nd flashed my titertots to him cuz im hot like that ;)

Chiron played the movie andi cuddled up to nicko as we watched the stupid ass movie.

40 minutes later cuz i stopped paying attention and when i payed attention aain niko was adorable and HOLY SHIT WHERE IS MY BOYFRAND

“yOU HORSE ASS MOTHA FUCKER WHERE IS MY HUBBY BOO PIE”

“Stfu u little shit im sick of you mary sues jesus christ like, yo, niko doesnt even like u ur not cute”

“Im cuter than u u little my little pony ass fucker”

“Bitch fite me rn im done”

“Lawd jesus fuck dat this im sick of y’all fake ass white peeple”

Niko showed up aain straight outta no where with a cup of that nasty ass fucking pudding bean paste was feeding to me and some dilicious lookin cube things

“Before you actual physchos kill each other,” niko sigh ed “Jazmien, take some ambrosia. Your wound needs to heal properly before you go anywhere.”

“I took sokme of the cube thing and poped it on my tongue and HOLYFUCK IT TASTES LIKE BLOOD OMG :D:ED:dD:D;:d:D:d:D;;D;D;

“hOLY SWEET SHIT WHAT ISTHIS BEAUTIFUL SUBSTANCE OF BLOOD AMND MAGICALNESS” ??// /

Niko got the cutest disgusted face on his face omg it was just adorable but he didnt say anthing to me but he talked to that fluttershy motherfuck in the corner and idc what they were aying so i just stopped listening.

Then niko looked at me and he told me to folow him outside so i did omg hes gonna have children with me i love my hubby so much <33333

So we were outside and all of these ratchet ass lookin posers were walking around with their orange tshirts and their tacky fake ass timbs and i smh.

“It’s dinner time, so we’re going to the dining pavilion.” nico smoled his cute ass baby lookin smil elike awww <3 “Is that okay with you?”

“Yea”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate summary: all of the adults in this universe are heavily out of character and there is nothing that can resolve it


	4. The fourth wall breaks.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico and Will become Forest Gump.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: there are so many 4th wall breaks in this that we'll need 3 things of plaster

Nico sat down next to Will at the Apollo table. He knew he wasn’t allowed to sit there, but he had a “Doctor’s Note”, so it was okay.

  
  


Jazmien sat down next to Nico. She stared at him, smiling as if she was going to kill him.

  
  


Nico ignored her, and turned to his boyfriend. 

  
  


“Did that girl come out of her coma yet?” Nico asked. “You’re here today, so, I’m assuming either someone else is watching her or she woke up.”

  
  


“Actually, yes,” Will smiled, tired but semi-excited. “She woke up 2 hours ago. Got claimed by Aphrodite, then she was ambushed by her siblings. I haven’t seen her since.”

  
  


“NIKO IS APHRODITE THAT BEAUTY WOMAN BECAUSE I WANNA FIGHT HER.” Multiple campers looked over at their table.

  
  


“Can you keep it down?” Nico sighed. “Aphrodite is the goddess of love and beauty-”

  
  


“DOES THAT MEAN YOU LIKE HER INSTEAD OF ME?” Jazmien started to cry. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU POSER OH MY GOD YOU, YOU, YOU CHEATER!!!!!!!111!!” 

  
  


Nico took in a deep breath. 1...2...3- A splotch of mash potatoes hit the back of his head. 

  
  


“Who threw that?!” Nico turned around to find the unlucky camper that would face his wrath.

  
  


About 20 angry heads were staring at him. Oh no.

  
  


“Will,” Nico didn’t look back. “If this is the Mary Sue that kills me, I just want to say that I love you.”

  
  


“I love you too, but I know this isn’t going to be the last time I tell you,” Will grabbed Nico’s hand. “Do you trust me?”

  
  


“No.”

  
  


Will got up, pulling the smaller boy up with him. He slowly, yet carefully, navigated the quickly angering crowd. 

  
  


“Yo, are you sure this is a good idea,” Nico glanced at the horde of angry, brainwashed demigods. 

  
  


“Every idea is a good idea.”

  
  


They ran for the beach. 

  
  


When they eventually got there, Will knew it was a mistake to come here. The two knew how to swim, yes, but it was a bad idea to bring a child of Hades into water. 

  
  


“We’re trapped here,” Nico sat on the sand. “We’re trapped, and we’re going to die to the hands of a bunch of OOC side characters.”

  
  


Will disregarded the sudden 4th wall break. “Hopefully, some random main character comes out of nowhere and saves us last minute in a swift and majestic fashion.” 

  
  


13 minutes later, Nico, Will, and Jazmien were on the back of Festus.

  
  


“Okay, I either blanked out for a solid hour,” Nico mumbled. “Or we’re actually on the back of this fucking dragon. With Leo.”

  
  


“Oh, hey Nico!” Leo caught on fire. “Yeah, haha, I’m alive! I also have this girl named Calypso with me! Say ‘Hi’ Calypso!”

  
  


Calypso didn’t say ‘Hi’. Calypso sat there like a clay statue. Calypso is Calypso. Calypso.

  
  


“I swear…” Nico sighed. “Will, why is Jazmien with us?”

  
  


“While you were blacked out, apparently, a prophecy was delivered from ‘the gods’ and it said that Jazmien was the main character or something, and that there's this big quest and blah blah blah.” Will rolled his eyes. “Basically, 8 demigods of different parentage have to find Chaos because he’s bad and because Jazmien has to, like, fight him, or something.”

  
  


“I bet we have to get Percy for this,” Nico chuckled. “This is more ridiculous than Donald Trump being a presidential candidate.”

  
  
The fourth wall was shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate summary: in which nico and will realize they are the only sane people left in this universe


	5. i meet the most btichass girl ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jazmien meets the #Gang and chooses whether she becomes a crip or a blood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: Jazmien gets the succ

So i wake p on this HUGE ASS MUTHAFUKON DRAGON WHAT THE HEAEL

aWHERES BHUBBY 

“whERE THE FAUCK IS MY HUBSAND” i yell cuz im pised at him for cheating on me buz i luv him anyway my bootiful emo hubby <3#

Some elf lookin ass fuck looks at me and grins ancd im like ???? who dafuq is this fuckbou lookin MEXICAN??? T

“ i kiss the boy bcuz hes the only non white man on this entire god damne globe

Then some vclay satue lokin fucker slaps me and im like “??? yo whats good”

“Why the FUCK are you kissing my boyfriend?” this bitch looks so fake i could call her barbie.

“Im kissing him cuz hes the only non white boy in this anet like get real why tf would u date actual walkin talking bean paste wtf”

“...Greek people are white, you do realize that, right?” fuck this girl

“IM NOT WHITE IM MEXICO”

 

SHE BRETHEs and sighs and turns back around like yas boo good

I turn around to find my hBSYNAD HOLY FUCK

“nICKO oh my gods i missed u bae <3”

But niko is lookin at this pinkaloid ass mfer like ok? I see how it is? Chillin w/ ur bro instead of meok? I see how it is??????\

So i sit here and take out my iphone and start tgoin on instergram because i want to look hot and sexy ;) for the bae.

I take a selfie :#3 and add a caption of “lookin good 4 the bae emoji emoji dxdxd” and i get 44535432524353654643268432o5u7843067904326829 likes in 4 seconds xd im so hapy

Then we land gracefully yay and wre in the middle of a huge mfing field and i go u to beautiful latino beauty and ask him” yo where are we”

“We’re in New York, Baby!@” latino beaut laughs “barbecue sauce never dies! Xddxdxddxxddx”

I wanna marry this bitch but nico is my bee until i die

Bae sighs “We’re near… Percy Jackson’s apartment. I told Leo to bring us here because of the prophecy.”

“Oh joy who is that”

So then they ignre my pleases and we walk to whoever tha fuck that man is’s house.

Richard nixon knocks on the apsrtment dor and some old ass motherfucking pregnant lady oens the door.

“Nico!” she has this motheraura to her. I feel… appaled. “Oh dear, how are you doing? Who are these people?”

“Hello, Sally,” they hug and ifeel jekous “I’d love to stop and chat, but we need to talk to Percy. There's a huge, garbage quest and he’s a part of it.”

She sigh “Of course he is,” she sticks her pregnant ass back in the room. “Percy! Nico is outside and he wants to talk to you.”

Then this hot ass beach nBEAUTY HOYL SHIT

I nearly drop to my nees and succ him but nahh thats too suss so i dont do that but i do grab his face and kiss him.

Beaut struggles a lot and i kep on kissin him cuz hes cute asf and my new bae<3

Niko has an anerysm and starts coughing and i stop cuz i to see if hes ok

Huhbsy sighs, “Percy, this is Jazmien. There's a huge quest and we need you for it. A whole bunch of bullshit is happening, and this girl is the reason why.”

“Mary Sue Disorder?” ersues raps the abcs

“Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate summary: in which o_shit_waddup loses the will to live


	6. Out Of Character Disease is a thing now, apparently.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jazmien meets some more of the #Gang and chooses whether she should be gay or European.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: in which o_shit_waddup remembers this shit exists lmao

Percy, Nico, Will and Jazmien walked into the house, Jazmien looking around with a smirk on her face. Before she could say anything, Percy closed the door and sat down on the couch.

 

"Alright," Percy sighed, picking at his cuticles and looking at Nico with half-lidded eyes. "What's up? What do you need me for this time?"

 

"So, as you know, Jazmien is here," Nico mumbled, glancing at the quiet girl. "As I told you, there's some new quest going on or something. Jazmien, myself, Leo, you, and probably the same people from the last quest have to find and fight Chaos, probably to get back some important thing that Zeus needs."

 

Percy sighed, resting his head in his hands.

 

"Oh my gods," He said, shaking his head slowly. "Fine. I have nothing better to do except attend college and do important adult things. Saving the world was on my bucket list, anyway. Oh, wait, I think I've already done that one twice."

 

"Cut the sarcasm, dude," Will said. "This is... 'serious'."

 

'i literally dont give a FLYIN FuCk what yall bean paste ass fucks r talkin bout can we just get tf outta here' Jazmien moaned, tipping her head back and crying.

 

Everyone ignored her as they continued to discuss the quest.

 

"Ugh, fine," Percy stood, stretching. "Let me just call Annabeth real quick. She's probably a part of this too by whatever ungodly force compelled it."

 

"Annabeth!" Percy called out, and Annabeth materialized behind him.

 

"Yes, Perseus, my darling sweet?" She said, swooning at the sight of her boyfriend. Nico and Will exchanged a look.

 

"There's this quest-" Before he could finish his sentence, Annabeth jumped onto him and started making out with him on the spot.

 

"Oh gods," Nico mumbled, looking at Will with fear in his eyes. "It's spreading..."

 

"It's..." Will mumbled, looking back at his boyfriend.

 

"Out Of Character Disease..." They both whispered at the same time, eyes wide and hearts pounding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate summary: why are we still here, just to suffer?

**Author's Note:**

> alternate summary: how o_shit_waddup comitted suicide in one great big joke


End file.
